9 Responses

  1. Beverly "Dr. Bev" Adler
    Beverly "Dr. Bev" Adler July 12, 2014 at 4:42 am | | Reply

    I would just like to add my opinion as a clinical psychologist who specializes treating patients with diabetes. As Wil Dubois stated in his reply to this concerned new wife, she is not alone in her situation. He suggested following the successful approach of his friend who was faced with an ultimatum from his bride to take care of his diabetes or she was going to leave him. It worked in their case. Likewise, I have a similar case I’m seeing in my private practice. The husband is finally accepting his diabetes and making positive changes in his lifestyle. I would call it “tough love” – with the emphasis on LOVE. I have only one other suggestion for this concerned new-wife, please try to find a therapist to support your feelings. Hopefully you could find a mental health professional who is also knowledgable about diabetes management! Go as a couple, if he’s willing, or go by yourself, if he’s not. But go see a therapist! I would also suggest going to lectures/events where you both (or you alone) can learn more about diabetes management and meet with other PWDs. Both of you need not feel so isolated and alone. I hope my advice is helpful. I wish this new wife and her husband the best of luck!

  2. Mary Dexter
    Mary Dexter July 12, 2014 at 7:24 am | | Reply

    A third factor is family support. Whenever I go to JDRF functions, I’m surrounded by diabetics, diagnosed as children, who are surrounded by warm, fuzzy caretakers. Not only their extended family, but their neighborhood turns out to support the child. Not everyone gets that. Not everyone gets a warm, nurturing family. Some families are made up of self-righteous, judgmental bullies who believe diabetes is something we somehow brought on ourselves through sin and the (usually older) diabetic should take care of the problem in a way that doesn’t impose upon or embarrass them. Harsh. Sometimes denial is a means of protection, not from the truth, but from a cruel outside world. Being part of the cruel world probably won’t help.

  3. Jessica
    Jessica July 12, 2014 at 8:28 am | | Reply

    I too, married a T1. He was diagnosed while we were engaged. I went through all the stages with him, and as far as caring for himself, eventually he decided on spending very little time worrying about it or caring for himself properly…
    About 6 years later, after our first child, I was diagnosed as a T1. I quickly learned how little I understood about his life and this disease. It’s hard to accept that our loved ones don’t care for themselves the way we want them too. BUT, we are all given choices. We manage the best we can. He may regret the way he takes care of himself eventually, but for now, I suspect that he is doing what he can to just live, to feel normal, to make it day to day. Your support goes a long way…be there when he’s ready.

  4. Mary Dexter
    Mary Dexter July 12, 2014 at 9:59 am | | Reply

    2 myths are in play:
    1. If a diabetic does everything right, nothing will go wrong. Some times it seems to make things worse. Maybe he tests when she’s not looking. Maybe he’s doing more than she sees.
    2. Marriage is a 50:50 partnership. Last night I celebrated my 33 wedding anniversary with my husband. Some times I’ve been able to give less than 1% and he’s given more than 100%; some times the opposite has been true. In taking turns, we don’t keep track of whose turn or who got how many. The piece of paper means it’s nobody’s business. One day one of us will outlive the other.
    Sex is part of marriage but one gets through the dry spells and learns that it’s more than procreation. Sexual dysfunction is common, especially with diabetes. (Some day I would like to read a column about dyspareunia; we hear about ED.)

    1. Wil
      Wil July 13, 2014 at 4:33 am | | Reply

      Your wish is my command, Mary. Look for a column on dysareunia in the near future!

  5. Mary Dexter
    Mary Dexter July 12, 2014 at 11:08 am | | Reply

    When you pull into the drive and the car is no longer in the condition it was when you pulled out, you don’t want to hear, “How did you screw up this time? What did you do wrong? What should you have done differently?” You want to hear “Are you all right? I love you. What do you need me to do? What can we do to make it better?” Not so it never happens again, because stuff happens.

  6. Gary
    Gary July 12, 2014 at 11:52 am | | Reply

    There’s an old adage, “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”

    I think the world is a lot less judgmental and more supportive than it used to be. T1D is largely a self-managed disease. Some very few people might see it brought on by sin, but I doubt that’s really the case anymore. What we do have is a very individualistic society, made up of people who have their own issues to deal with, and most people expect that other people are largely, if not solely responsible for their own bodies, their own health.

    If my concerns and responsibilities were solely about me, yeah, I might do things a little more recklessly, a little more irresponsibly. Family responsibilities make it completely different.

  7. Gary
    Gary July 13, 2014 at 6:33 am | | Reply

    Here’s another thought you might want to consider: high BG, as well as low, can often lead to bad judgment. When I was first diagnosed as T2, with my BG sky high, my decisions were poor.

    But better control, makes us feel better and be more productive. If he’s worried about work, that may be a point that will connect.

  8. Erin
    Erin July 21, 2014 at 3:25 am | | Reply

    As a T1 myself, and my husband is too (married 9 months now, together nearly 6 years) I can say that yes it is hard. Frustrating too. I often wonder why I try so hard with my control when he doesn’t seem to be. However I know he is suffering the complications from very bad control when he was first diagnosed. As a 16 yr old boy he didn’t care about shit like diabetes, and it took him till he was 28, when he meet me, to break some bad habits.
    He does try, not in the same way I do, however he tries his best to balance his control with living. His eye sight has stablised and he is not admitted into hospital as frequently. This has taken a lot of tears , heart to hearts and listening on both our parts to get here though. When he realised how much he enjoys life and how he does want to grow old with me he took greater ownership of his diabetes .
    I think it helps that we both understand the constant battle it is to remain healthy and this allows us to cope with the good and bad days.
    Patience, determination and knowing your self worth will help. If he can’t help himself then what can you do? Definitely talk to professionals, drag him along, show him how much you care, make him fight for himself, then he is also fighting for you.

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