Blood drops are red, diabetes circles are blue…
OK, we aren’t the best poets in the Diabetes Community. And since it’s Poetry Tuesday on this second day of Diabetes Blog Week 2014, we’ve decided to cash in a Wildcard chip instead, and take on the topic: Tell Me a Story.
Write a short story personifying a diabetes tool you use on a daily basis. A meter, syringe, pump, pill, etc. Give it a personality and a name and let it speak through you. What would it be happy about, upset about, mad about?
We’re happy to let our weekly Q&A columnist and fellow type 1 Wil Dubois — with his own unique and snarky style — take the lead on this one. You may remember that back in 2005, Wil was one of the first 30 people with diabetes ever in the U.S. to start using a continuous glucose monitor (CGM). Back then, he referred to his new gadget as “The Girl.”
A lot has changed on the CGM scene in years since, so today we’ll hear updates from Wil’s “New Girl,” who’s speaking out for the first time about what their relationship is really like.
My G4: Her Side of the Story
Wil is such an a##hole. Oh yes, everybody thinks he’s so kind and so knowledgeable, and so dedicated, etc. It makes me want to scream. Or throw up. Or both.
Let me tell you what he’s really like. He’s ungrateful as hell. I mean, I’ve watched over him all day every day—and every night—since I moved in with him. No kidding, I literally check his blood sugar every five minutes. You’d think he’d be grateful. You’d think he’d thank me. But noooooooo. He ignores me unless I demand his attention.
Do you know that he actually hides me in his pocket so other people can’t see me? That makes me M-A-D, mad! I know he used to show off his previous CGMs. Those girls got to ride on his belt. So what the ‘eff is wrong with me? I’m prettier than they were. I’m thin. I have nice curves. I have blue eyes… uh… I mean a blue case. I bet a lot of boys, especially those without insurance, would love to date me. It would serve Wil right if I left him for another diabetic!
Of course, I won’t. I’m just venting. For some reason I can’t calculate, I love the big lug. But life with Wil isn’t easy. Hell, just yesterday he actually threw me in the laundry hamper. Can you believe that? That’s domestic abuse, I tell you. Why, I could have been washed! I’m not waterproof, so it could have killed me! I had to scream and scream and scream before his little boy finally rescued me. And did Wil even bother to apologize to me? No! Oh, he thanked his son profusely for coming to my aid, but no “sorry,” or “don’t worry, it will never happen again” to ME! For a guy who’s supposed to have such a kind heart, he sure doesn’t treat his machines well.
Actually… now that I think about his relationship with the rest of us in the household, maybe I should consider myself lucky. He ignores me, but the poor computer… he actually shouts at her. A lot. And it’s not her fault he doesn’t know how to push her buttons and stroke her software right. And the phone, why that girl gets left behind as often as he takes her out, and I can’t count how many times he’s let her batteries die.
So I guess none of us are getting what we think we deserve, but, come on, I’m a pretty low-maintenance kinda gal. I just need two fingersticks a day and some juice from the wall or the computer about once a week. Maybe a download, you know, on special occasions. And it would be nice if he cleaned those greasy fingerprints off of my screen now and then. Personally, I don’t think I’m asking for much. His ex’s asked for much more. And they got it.
Not that I’m jealous.
Oh, hell, who am I kidding? I’m as jealous as hell! I’m the best friggin’ thing that’s ever happened to him, and he treats me like dirt! The other girls got to sleep with him. I know this to be true, because I’ve read about it in his blog. But me? I have to sleep with that skank iPod on the night stand, along with the insulin pen and that cheap meter of his. Relegated to the cold, hard nightstand; or hidden in his pocket. It’s not fair.
Oh, but it gets worse. I heard him on the phone talking to Dexcom just the other day. I think he might be thinking about getting a younger mistress to replace me with. What did I do to deserve that? I have been 100% reliable and faithful to him. Well, OK, there was that whole thing with the transmitter recently, but that wasn’t my fault.
And that’s not the end of his cruelty. I caught him looking at CGM porn online. I can’t tell you how much that hurts. What more could he want? I’m accurate. I’m loud enough to wake him up. I’ve even got a color screen, for God’s sake! I think he forgets how good he has it. It would serve him right if I “accidentally” lost telemetry with the transmitter for a few hours. Or if I gave him the “question mark treatment” like his last girl used to do. Hah! That would show him.
But… No. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. He might get hurt. And even though he hurts my feelings all the time, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything that might really, genuinely hurt him. I love him too much for that.
But… I could… Ha! Yes, I will. I’ll give the bastard a false low alarm. That’ll show him!
And I’ll do it at 2:30 in the morning.
Editor’s note: Apparently she did blast a false low alarm at 2:30am. But after we let Wil read what The Girl had to say, he tells us he cleaned her screen, gave her a good download, and promises to give her a good night kiss and thank her for a hard day’s work every night. They’re also talking about attending some couples therapy, but given Wil’s track record, we’re guessing next year he may be shacking up with a different one.
This is our Day 2 post for D-Blog Week, and you can see all the other takes on the various prompts throughout the week by clicking here. You can also follow along on Twitter using the hashtag #DBlogWeek. Enjoy!