August 2012 DSMA: Interview with a Pancreas

In researching this month’s Diabetes Social Media Advocacy (DSMA) Blog Carnival topic, we came across a job ad in a diabetes tech journal that seemed to be right on target.

The said (imaginary) ad read as follows:

WANTED: Self-starting leader who isn’t afraid to call the shots, and can bring a creative style to a challenging body of work.

The position was for a CGM Data Entry Manager, Artificial Pancreas Division of Associates In-Corporated (A1C).

Word in the Diabetes Online Community (DOC) was that one of our team’s slacker organs, Peter PANcreas, put his blood into the test strip vial for consideration. And rumor was that he scored an interview! So, we reached out to the company’s executives to see how that all played out.

Thanks to a source inside A1C who managed to get us “in range,” we were able to snag a copy of the resume that Peter PANcreas submitted for the position.

Peter PANcreas

104 Blood Meter Blvd
Mike’s Body, 888 Behind the Stomach
peterpancreas@diabetesmine.com

 OBJECTIVE:

To find a management and supervisory position where I can motivate employees to learn everything about my job and then do it for me, 24/7.

 PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY:

Human resources professional and successful employee motivator with 28 years’ experience supervising diabetes self-management. Career accomplishments include the grooming of a Lilly and Joslin medal-winning insulin importer and glucose exporter. Before becoming a motivational manager, I worked for five years in the trenches behind the stomach near the liver doing all of these daily tasks myself. So, I’ve come up through the ranks and know this body of business like it’s my own.

Through the years, my work experience and motivational skills have promoted expertise in:

• Chemistry
• Precision carb-counting
• D-Math Calculations, Critical Thinking and Story Problem Solving Skills
• Measurements
• First Aid, including Syringe and Cannula Manipulation (and Gusher Crisis Management)
• Medical Device Modeling
• Hypoglycemic Navigation
• Exercise Health and Physical Education
• Diabetes Story Telling

That’s just on the endocrine side. Then there are all my exocrine functions that used to receive 110% of my attention, producing and secreting digestive enzymes that keep the body going.

WORK EXPERIENCE:

Pancreas Slackers R Us, Inc.
Manager, Insulin Pumpers Division
June 2001 – Present

Pancreas Slackers R Us, Inc.
Supervisor, Multiple Shots a Day Department
March 1984 – June 2001

Do-It-Yourself Insulin-Producing
Childhood Customer Service Representative
February 1979 – March 1984

EDUCATION:

- D-Management Motivational Institute, 1984-Present
- Autoimmune Attack Graduate Program, 1990s
- Islet University, General Studies in Slacking, 1983

COMPUTER SKILLS:

CGM Data Interpreting, BG Meter Reading, WordPress & Twitter

PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATIONS

- Order of the Chronic Rapid Autoimmune Program (aka “CRAP”)
- Deprived Insulin Addicts Anonymous
- Society of Faulty Organs
- Beta Cell Revival Club

REFERENCES: Available upon request

So, that’s apparently how Peter PANcreas got in the door for the interview!

But wanting to know more, we reached out to a higher-up to get the interview scoop. We sent a note to Lenora Lioness, Corporate Affairs Manager at A1C, and asked about how Peter PANcreas did during the interview. Apparently, he totally bombed. Or, in the words of The Lioness herself:

“Your pancreas ‘lost it’ at the question about…

  Why he was even here in the first place!

“Not to mention: Why would anyone want to hire him for any job in any field, when he’s obviously such a slacker?!”

Skeptical that Peter PANcreas could have performed so poorly, we asked LL to provide some proof that she wasn’t just trying to smear his good name without just cause.

Her response? She sent us a security tape of the interview itself, showing exactly how my pancreas fared inside the A1C corporate offices:

{This post is our August 2012 entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival.  Click here to learn more if you’d like to participate, too.}