With all the talk about concerns of pregnancy / being a parent dealing with diabetes, here’s another issue that’s often crossed my mind: what if you’re adopting?
When thinking about starting a family, one usually runs down the checklist of typical concerns: Do we make enough money to support another life? Do we have enough space? Is there emotional support? Are we able to make the necessary sacrifices to raise a child? But when you have diabetes, other factors, like physical well-being, can weigh in on just how that family might start.
In the last couple of months, two of our long-time D-community members have either adopted or are planning to do so (for the second time!). Art-Sweet, who blogs anonymously under that pseudonym, adopted her son, P’ito, in 2007 from Guatemala. She is gearing up for a second adoption domestically. Elizabeth, a new blogger on the block, just brought home her baby girl in April. With these two success stories creating a lot of D-community buzz, I wanted to find out more about their personal experiences and get a sense of how the diabetes played a role — if any — in the process.
Art-Sweet and her partner, Pili (also female), had much heartache in starting their family. After many rounds of infertility treatments for Pili and the decision that pregnancy was not in the cards for Art-Sweet, who has been living with type 1 diabetes for much of her life, they came around to considering adoption.
“Although I know lots of type 1 ladies manage it just fine, I was just too anxious about what could wrong for me or the baby and how I would feel if anything happened as a result of my diabetes control or lack thereof,” Art-Sweet explains.
For the first adoption, Art-Sweet’s partner adopted as a “single woman,” mainly due to Pili’s steady employment and benefits, which meant the homestudy conducted by social workers and application process was focused on her. In the upcoming adoption, Art-Sweet and Pili are adopting as a couple, which means there are many more questions about diabetes involved in the homestudy.
“I had to get a letter from my endo in addition to the letter from my primary care doc saying that my diabetes would not impair my ability to parent and that he did not anticipate it resulting in my untimely death any time soon,” Art-Sweet says. “I think it helped that when we did the homestudy, I was using a CGMS, which I hadn’t been when we met with her earlier, so I was able to say: look, I have this shiny new toy, nothing to worry about. In general she was pretty ignorant about diabetes, but it was more irritating than a serious roadblock.”
Elizabeth and her husband faced similar requirements when adopting their daughter domestically. Elizabeth explained that her decision to adopt came from not wanting to put her body through a difficult pregnancy after living with diabetes for 35 years. Like Art-Sweet, Elizabeth had to submit a letter from her endocrinologist stating that she was fit to be a parent (if only a letter from a doctor was all it took!). “I don’t think anyone outside of our adoption social worker ever even knew, and they certainly didn’t seem to consider it an obstacle in any way,” Elizabeth recalls.
To adopt, disclosing your diabetes is required. But what about your child’s birth parents? For P’ito’s adoption, Art-Sweet chose to say nothing. She says, “I think that they would perceive it as much more frightening and immediately life-threatening than it is to us here.” With her current adoption process taking place in the United States, Art-Sweet is planning on taking a different route.
“If I was asked about my health directly by No. 2′s family, I would certainly answer honestly, and, if they were concerned, I’d let them know that my doctor was comfortable writing a letter that said that he thought my diabetes was not going to be a problem for me.”
Elizabeth also didn’t disclose her diabetes to her daughter’s birth mother, saying that it simply never came up. “I don’t think it would’ve affected her decision to place her baby with us, but I’m definitely not proud of having kept it from her — it felt like a lie, and we’ve always been very truthful with her about everything. But for now it seems besides the point, the least important part of my bond with her and my daughter.”
For those thinking about adopting overseas, it turns out having any type of chronic illness makes qualifying for adoption more challenging. Elizabeth explained that initially, they were planning to adopt internationally after hearing horror stories about adopting in the U.S. (issues such as birth parents changing their minds). They did try adopting from Vietnam, but after being on the waiting list for over two years, Vietnam closed adoptions to the U.S. They also learned that several countries, such as Ethiopia, Russia, Korea and Kazakhstan, do not allow people with chronic illnesses to adopt — so if you’re thinking about any of those countries, you may need to reconsider.
For those of you hoping to start your journey and looking for a place to begin, Elizabeth used American Adoptions, and while Art-Sweet’s old agency is out of business, she is happy to discuss their current agency in private emails.
While the adoption process can be long and frustrating for anyone, Elizabeth has some advice for parents with diabetes embarking on this challenging yet rewarding journey: “This is exactly the kind of advice that irritated me while I was waiting, but with hindsight I know it’s the absolute truth. So try to take this as sincere, not preachy: I wasted an awful lot of time fretting and telling myself we’d never have our child. If I could talk to the me that was so miserable four years ago, I’d say to use this time wisely, and enjoy the freedom of childlessness, trusting that soon you’ll be happily tied down with the responsibilities and joys of parenting.”
Thank you for your candor, and Mazel Tov to my new-parent D-friends!
I think the adoption route is more common than we might believe, frankly. My sister, who has type 1, also went that route after numerous attempts (some of which had anything to do with her, it does take 2 to parent a child after all), and it was a very happy outcome, fortunately. There are also lessons to be learned from the experiences of others, so thanks for sharing!
I am adopted and plan on adopting. But living w/ T1 diabetes for 24 years makes me think it might be an issue. I am glad to know that others are doing it sucessfully.
Diabetes can be one issue when adopting that one faces, but there are others that can make it impossible to do so because of the nature of the medical condition the person has. This is what DH and I faced if we chose to adopt, but its not something either of us have an interest in since we are firmly ChildFree. But we did look into it because we are both infertile, so wonted to know what our options would have been had we changed our minds about wonting a little person.
I’m happy for, and inspired by these women!!
My oldest sister (also a t1) has three children, and her first 2 pregnancies were rough. Ironically, her 3rd (10 years after she got her tubes untied, and 10 & 12 years after her older sons were born) was problem free & she had a c-section 3 days before her due date.
I’ve always wanted to adopt & give birth. As of late, I’ve been thinking about the adoption route a lot and I’m SO open to it.
TIme will tell~
Kelly K
Thank you for publishing this post, Amy. With so much talk about “you can have a healthy baby with Type 1 Diabetes,” it’s comforting to know that there are other T1′s like me out there who, for whatever reason, found that the only available route to familyhood was adoption.
I’m really worried about this, to be honest. I have several other conditions in addition to diabetes, and it might tip me over the edge for certain countries. We want to adopt from China, but it may be tricky given my medical issues. Even though they don’t really affect me, what matters is the perception on the other end. They do seem to routinely deny diabetics with challenging diabetes issues. We also looked at Taiwan, where the mother chooses the family for the most part. Diabetes may be a large part of that decision.
This is very interesting for me to read. My husband is a type 2 diabetic and we are at the age to have children. I respect everyone of you who adopted. We are discussing adoption and I wonder how my husband would be looked at for being the one with diabetes. One thing that would be interesting to know is how many people adopted because they were worried they would pass on the diabetes? We have talked about having genetic testing to see if we should have children.
Thank you so much for your story. Its very uplifting as I am beginning to become more and more disheartened and discouraged with the whole adoption process. I have been a type 1 diabetic since I was 11 , and went through early menopause at 19. My husband and I are two people who value family very much – and would love to just have another person to love and care for in our family. There are times that I just become so discouraged and almost give up… I really do find a lot of consolation in your story , and I thank you very much for that!
Amy, I only caught this post from your year end summary.
We’ve adopted three beautiful children from China over the last 15 years (phew). Each time we need to get a letter about me from a doctor saying that my health was good and my life expectancy shouldn’t be shortened because my diabetes is under control (hah!). Surprisingly getting those letters was one of the easiest parts of the process.
The other place where diabetes impacted the process was on our trips to China. Thankfully I was on a pump for the 2nd and 3rd trip, that made life a lot ‘easier’, though bolusing properly for food I didn’t know was NOT easy. Still I made it through and we remain blessed by our kids!
I saw that I got a couple of visitors from this post, so I just wanted to post a quick update… after 2.5 years of waiting, we were matched with an expectant mom, and our wonderful daughter “Posy” was born in June of last year! Open adoption is awesome, and we couldn’t be more blessed.
Congratulations! I’m also a Type I thinking in adoption. I already have a 8 year old daughter (I developed T1 Diabetes after my pregnancy). I wish you and your family all the happiness that can be achieved.