A few days ago, I noticed an exceedingly active discussion thread over at DiabeticConnect that began with the header “Husband is not a supporter of diabetic food choices.” The woman who posted it explains how she struggles to cook separately for herself, her husband (a strictly meat-and-potatoes guy) and her two-year-old.
This poor PWD mom is endeavoring to lose weight and eat heart-healthy, and her husband is… well… not on board.
Of course this lack of support is incredibly common, although I’ve most often heard from wives trying to cook healthy for their diabetic husbands, who seem to care less and balk at the lighter fare. Either way, (you should excuse the expression) you’re screwed.
If you have the diabetes yourself, support in the kitchen and at the dining table are key to success. If you’re trying to help someone else who has it, good luck with that if the patient themself rejects the whole notion of altering his/her food choices.
As I read through this community discussion, a number of statements popped out at me:
“My husband watches what I eat!! And criticizes, not sure that affects me in a positive way…”
“My boys are teens, they eat up my special foods.”
“If you look underneath the anger someone’s expressing, the underlying emotion is often unacknowledged fear (or grief).”
“There’s a fine line between voicing concern and nagging. I have to keep my lips locked a bit more and try to be a partner instead of a warden.”
“Don’t let (them) sabotage the hard work you are doing for yourself. You are your first priority!”
Lack of support in the eating arena is tough no matter how you slice it. I thought it would be interesting to take a poll today, based on the coping choices mentioned in this discussion thread:
My family is pretty supportive and interested in my health. However, they do want to eat what *they* want. Because I am the chief cook, what I have done to compromise is to cook meals that are healthy for all, including me, and if family members want to indulge, they can do so on their own time. So, my husband can eat whatever he wants when he goes out to lunch at work; my two teens can snack & go out for pizza when with friends; and my middle-schooler gets goodies when at a friend’s house or bday party. Of course, we occasionally have treats at home, too — Friday night is dessert night.
That thread is heartbreaking. My DH is the PWD, and I’m the one who cooks. It was no trouble at all for me to adjust to a low-carb diet–as far as I was concerned, it’s how people should be eating anyways (mostly veggies, lean meats, almost no simple carbs and some complex carbs).
I adore baking, but recognize that if there are sugary treats in the house *I’ll* eat them, and the older I get the quicker those extra calories find my thighs!
So, I rarely do desserts. When I do choose to bake, I use whole wheat flours or ground almonds and do primarily fruit-based desserts. I sometimes I’ll use regular sugar (but less than a recipe calls for), sometimes I’ll blend Splenda/sugar, and sometimes I’ll use agave nectar or just Splenda.
That people can be so calloused towards the ones they committed to is to me simply astonishing.
I cook steak and potatoes for my husband on a regular basis. I also add a vegetable side. When we sit down to eat I’ll have steak and vegetables and he will have the same plus the potatoes. Or if we have chicken and rice I again add a vegetable and just omit the rice from my plate. That way everyone is happy. Diabetic foods need not be “special” and the healthiest are often the simplest. We just choose a meat, a veggie, and a starchy side for him like beans, pasta, rice, or potatoes. (note: we only eat organic beef because then it IS heart healthy) It works out well for us. Now what if one’s partner won’t even eat meat and veggies? When my husband wants something extra he makes it himself. My health is a priority and if he loves me he will work it out. Luckily for us both, he does.
I was really sad for her too. I read that post this past week and commented that I feel so fortunate. I’m the PWD and my DH just says, ‘hey, I’ll eat whatever you cook.” He also travels quite a bit for work and makes sure that when he’s out of town, he gets his pasta and high-carb choices in. His personal favorites are pretzels and whoopie pies from his PA trips. Once he’s home, our meals are D-friendly.
I sometimes find the family won’t eat “my” food because they want to make sure it’s available for me when I want it. I explained to them that this makes me feel like my food is weird, and if they like it, I’d like them to eat it. I like feeling normal whenever I can.
They’re oftentimes surprised how good the low-carb version of a food can be and join me in cleaning the plate.
I saw one comment on there that really stuck with me this week. Someone said something like. . let your husband eat his way, he’ll be eating like you eventually. I think that’s why I try so hard to make sure the family is eating much healthier than I ever did before. I don’t want them facing the same diagnosis in the future.
With a normal carbs&veggies&meat meal I swapp (most of ; -) my carbs for a bigger helping of veggies. So far I’ve never met any difficulties, neither at home nor out.
Hans, typ2, dx 1991
Apidra & Lantus
I have had gestational diabetes and now my husband is diabetic. I’ve been fortunate that he’s been taking care of his diet. I’d recommend talking to her husband and encourage him to make a few changes to support her or get him to cook too!
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My husband is in complete denial of my diabetes and makes no concessions whatever: he wants what he wants, and when he wants it. Over the years, I’ve learned [being a registered nurse with some dietetic courses in my background helps] to eat as he does, but in much smaller quantities, and choose a salad instead of gulping down the carbs. He’ll have 5 slices of toast for breakfast, I’ll have one, and so on. If he begins “Just taste this delicious cake” I do just that — taste it, tell him it’s good, but I’m stuffed. But it IS aggravating.
I started a blog just for diabetics and their families. I am an extremely picky eater, and my husband can always tell when I use “fake” sugar, etc. I am the pwd. The foods I have started making for us that are Diabetic friendly, and full of flavor, and really good for you as a diabetic or even a heart patient.
Really the whole thing needs to be discussed. I found that taking my husband to my endo, to my classes, and talking with him about my numbers and what needs top be done has really helped his understanding, allows me to cook what I need to eat, and not concentrate on what he “wants” so much as what he “gets.” And we’re both happy with that. (He does get rewards for good eating behavior, though)
So I am a single Guy and I like cooking for myself but an interesting thing happened the other day to someone I was dating. I am not a chef by any means but I can cook, matter of fact I have cooked for this lady before and she raved about the meal. It was a regular meal however and when it came time to do it again, I told her I was cooking from a diabetic recipe book, I could hear her cringing at the idea and she told me that she would not eat any diabetic food and long story short that was the end of that relationship. point I am trying to make here is that was a dating relationship so I am dismayed at someones significant other not being supportive, I think that would have to be a deal breaker for me, maybe I am being unrealistic and there are other factors to consider but when that special someone walks into my life they have to embrace everything that comes with it, diabetes and all.
Thing like this do happen not only on partners … also within friends and family members. The best way is talk about it …… let other party understand your condition and feeling.