Like Birdie, I love my husband very much. I can honestly parrot her sentiments exactly, that mine is also “not only a terrific person whose company I never cease to enjoy, he’s also been an amazing partner to me when it comes to my life with diabetes.” Except for one tiny little thing: Isn’t it strange to recognize that the person closest to you in the entire world doesn’t really have a clue about what diabetes means to your day-to-day existence? I mean, how could he?
When we say that diabetes is invisible, we don’t just mean that no one saw my glucose meter today. We mean that the irritability, the moodiness, the throbbing headache and frustration when we’re high, and even the shakes and sweating when we’re low are not always obvious “diabetes markers” to others. How can my partner know the difference between all that and I’m just irked at you right now? I suppose I can’t expect him to. There are no lights that start blinking to alert him that “I am now having a diabetic issue.”
Which maybe explains why it kind of upsets me sometimes when he praises me for my writing, or furthermore for staying strong and working to “turn the diabetes into a positive force in our lives.” Because that’s only half of the picture. The other half are the times when I’m in a tailspin, and maybe not treating him so nice, which I always regret. But in that moment my jaw is either clenched in rage or my eyes are brimming with tears, and I can’t help myself.
Intimacy is a delicate enough proposition anyway, without mixing in a “condition” that can make it so easy to misread each other.
As Birdie notes, marriage inevitably calls for trade-offs and bargains and compromises. Inevitably there will be times of friction and misunderstanding. For us, I realize that many of those times are when I feel most alone with the dark side of diabetes, railing against it without success.
Funny that another kindred spirit, Scott J, says his wife is a “fixer” — the type who always wants to DO something to FIX a diabetes problem he might be dealing with. I always thought that being a “fixer” was an inherently male trait, a la “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” My husband’s a classic male fixer (head for the cave and come out with a solution). And he’s exceptionally good at it. He’s quite a brilliant strategist and team leader in the business world. But as Scott notes: “diabetes just doesn’t work like that.” It can’t be hammered into a corner or charted out analytically on a white board. I’m so very well aware of that.
And the truth is, being the Venus counterpart to his Mars caveman, most of the time I’m not really looking for him to provide a “fix,” which I know will just lead to frustration for both of us. All I really want is for someone to say, “it sucks, doesn’t it?” and give me a hug. And maybe be able to forgive how snippy I was acting just before dinner there. I’m pretty sure that was the diabetes talking. Even though no warning lights were blinking.
This is one of the most frustrating aspects of this disease, as the odds are good that our partners will NEVER share this experience (even if they someday develop type 2 diabetes, for example, its just NOT the same disease). This really is a member’s only club, I’m afraid!
Great post Amy.
Riva G. also recently posted about an experience between her and her husband that I found interesting.
I know that not being able to help in many ways does bother my wife terribly. I think it makes her feel very vulnerable and helpless, which, for “fixers”, is pure torture. I imagine this is also very much what parents experience when dealing with children living with diabetes.
Amen Amy!
“’m not really looking for him to provide a “fix,” which I know will just lead to frustration for both of us. All I really want is for someone to say, “it sucks, doesn’t it?” and give me a hug. And maybe be able to forgive how snippy I was acting just before dinner there.”
While I am single as a slice of cheese right now, in the past the above quote is ALL I wanted and needed.
Darn fixers.
Thanks for this post Amy.
It’s tough…you want your spouse to know what you’re going through, but at the same time it’s like all the other give & take of marriage when you know they have their own issues, fears, etc. with this disease.
It’s a challenge for me as I met my husband later in life, when I had already managed the D alone for quite some time. He, on the other hand, had never seen a PWD close-up who wasn’t suffering horribly. So somewhere in between we’ve learned cues to my behavior at 35 or 350, and he gets it for the most part. But I still feel a twinge of guilt that the D affects anyone other than me, and no one more intimately than him.
I guess I’m lucky. My husband is diabetic also. He’s type 2 and I am type 1. He seems to always know whether I am high or low, sometimes before I realize it myself. he knows how it feels. he knows what its like to live this every day.
Don’t get me wrong, we have our differences about lots of things , but, just knowing that your partner truly “gets it” is a blessing.
My wife is remarkably adept at recognizing when my BS is low, often before I realize it. But you are right-unless you have been there you have no idea how miserable it can be.
Your man may or may not know that fluctuating blood sugars might be causing mood swings. But I’m sure you tell him when you’re upset with either him or with the children or with some situation. It’s imperative that you do.
By switching to Dr. Bernstein’s low-carbo. diet and exercise program for people with diabetes, I have managed to normalize my blood sugars, and to reduce the rate-of-change of blood sugar throughout the day. Mood swings are gone. Severe hypogycemic episodes are rare.
[...] Tenderich at “Diabetes Mine” reflects about peace-keeping attempts between life partners when diabetes is in the mix. Her reflections are prompted by birdie’s thoughts on a [...]
This really resonates with me. I feel like because it’s touted to most people as a condition that there’s a treatment for and no obvious outward signs they write it off as being easy to deal with. But as we all know it’s quite the opposite. I’m finding it even harder lately because Myself being type 1 in my late 20′s am in the situation of having both my own condition to deal with and a wife who’s been going through the different but equally life changing ordeal of breast cancer. Talk about feeling bad when you have diabetes related mood issues
I know that not being able to help in many ways does bother my wife terribly.